Just Like That, It's 2015!

I highly doubt anyone even reads this thing anymore. But I really wanted to just check in for posterity's sake.
We made it through 2014!
That's about it on that topic. To be honest, I like the idea of moving forward. 2014 was not a super exciting year for us for the most part, and we just sort of got by. Raising two little kids is tiring and I still don't get how people do it with more kids. But 2015 will be better. The kids are getting easier (sort of - we're working on it with Lena), and I've started a new job!

This is what I really wanted to document here. The beginning.
I became a fashion consultant for LuLaRoe in October. If you haven't heard of it, it's an affordable fashionable clothing line, and as a consultant, you do "pop-up boutiques". I carry a big ol' inventory of clothing that I've fallen in love with and I bring it to people's homes, businesses, or I do open houses.
It has been amazing. Dare I say, life changing. Maybe I'll stick to "it changed my last 3 months." But 2015? Things will be different. I was able to pay off my initial investment in under 6 weeks just by hosting home boutiques. I qualified for the incentive CRUISE in under 3 months. I am starting to build a team of consultants. It is absolutely so exciting and I cannot wait to see what the future holds.

I hustled my buns off those first three months to set a good foundation. I thought things might slow down, but they are sort of snowballing and that's why I look forward to growing my team. It's just so in demand and I can't meet everyone's needs by myself. :) 

I'm working on my goals, and for many when they start something like this, it's to hopefully quit their full time job so they can spend more time with family. I was happy to have the opportunity to socialize with fun women while making some money at the same time. It's been so good for my family as I have gathered my sense of self a bit. Feeling like I'm contributing to my family in a more tangible way has proven to be a good feeling for me. 

After we had Lena, I struggled with postpartum depression in a pretty big way. It creeps up every now and again and I find myself having a very difficult time managing just the day to day. I talked with my doctor about medications, switching medications, etc and it was so expensive. 

I decided I couldn't afford it. I would figure out how to deal. Since I've started this business, I no longer feel the suffocating weight of merely carrying on on a daily basis. I feel. so. good. (most of the time. ;) ) I just needed to write this down, because I realized it just the other day. I have confidence again about being a provider for our family, I feel like I'm showing my daughters something valuable by starting a business and working hard. Don't get me wrong, staying at home with them is really a gift. I absolutely do not take it for granted. We snuggle in my bed in the morning, and I don't need to worry about calling into work if someone is sick. But I can also bring in an income without sacrificing those special times. 

I just feel like I've found a really good thing, and in another year, I wonder how different things might be.

Oh, and my pitch: follow me over at www.facebook.com/lakesidelularoe or shoot me an email if you are interested in the opportunity. 

Toddler Birthdays and Losing My Ever Loving Mind

You know that feeling when you wake up and you're all "I have absolutely no idea what day it could even be." Like it feels like it's a new day of the week that's never even been invented. A brand new unknown day of the week that has no assignment. No work, no church, no school, no sleeping in. Just strange and confusing.
That was this morning.
My husband leaned over and gave me a smooch goodbye while I was still sleeping this morning. I never even woke with his alarm. I was all "Where are you going?!" Like accusing him of having plans on a day that doesn't even exist.
Then I snapped back into reality and realized it was Monday, Lena's 2nd birthday.

Under most circumstances, I would not forget it was my child's birthday. But then again I've only been doing this mom thing for not even 4 years. I have plenty of years ahead to forget about birthdays. But so far, I haven't forgotten any. In fact, I usually have a good plan as to how we'll celebrate.  Today was different. We've had a crazy 5 days with Lena getting super sick, Charlotte had a really high fever and was stumbling around like a drunk and I almost brought her in. Between dealing with clingy, sad, pissed off little kids and cleaning up vomit, losing sleep and canceling Lena's birthday party because of hand, foot, and mouth disease, my brain has been in a bit of a fog. Maybe I also have the virus and have lesions on my brain.

This never happens

They give me so much love

This REALLY never happens

Once we got the day started, it was fairly normal but out of our normal routine since I couldn't take the girls to the gym KidZone. I made the traditional birthday pancake and it was actually well received despite their normal attitude when I present them with a delicious meal. Maybe I should serve more meals with whipped cream from a can.

After doing awesome mom stuff like changing gross diapers, I decided it was time to call the doctor about some interesting #2s Lena's been having since she was sick. Her dukes are straight up black. I know that that can mean blood, but I wanted to wait it out to see if it cleared up. It didn't. So I called and they wanted to get her in asap. I stayed calm, but was still pretty concerned about the outcome - it could be so many different things.  It tested positive for blood and the doctor said it's not typical, but it could be that she has the hand, foot and mouth lesions down the bottom of her throat. It's common to have the sores inside the throat, but usually not down into the upper GI. He did not seem overly concerned, given that Lena was in good spirits and eating and drinking normally. We just need to give it more time at this point. What a fun way to spend her birthday!

Then we met up with my husband for a birthday lunch and also to spread germs to as many strangers as possible. He was on a conference call and ended up being almost 30 minutes late and my debit card was declined because I apparently I am scum. So I waited with two cranky kids at Culvers with no food because I didn't have the funds to pay for it. We had a seat while we waited and they brought out a huge box of crayons and some coloring pages for the girls. So nice!!
Once Marcus arrived and was ready to pay, they brought our food out and said "don't worry about it. It's all taken care of." I almost lost it blubbering like a fool, but I kept it to a general "eyes misty with gratitude." It had just been such a crazy morning, I was really taken aback at their kindness.

The main reason we chose Culvers is because CUSTARD.  What better birthday treat than frozen custard with sprinkles!

Focusing on what's important here.

I got the kids home and they both took killer naps, I even snuck one in too because I'm ultra productive. 

Since it's Monday, Charlotte now has ballet in the evenings. I knew ballet began at 6:00. So I got Charlotte dressed, fixed her ponytail and loaded both her and Lena up. We arrived with a few minutes to spare so I responded to some texts in the parking lot. Once we got to the classroom, I was surprised to see all the little kids prancing about. I asked another parent if it indeed began at 6. She confirmed but then looked at me quizzically and added "it's 6:25 right now."
And in that moment, I had that very same feeling I had upon waking this morning. This strange time vortex where I was left bewildered and like I was only one left out of this new way of counting days and time. Everyone else seems to know what's going on but somehow I missed the memo of how time works. My forehead literally hurts from having a confused look about where those 25 minutes before ballet went. These are serious problems, people.

Related: I'm also confused about how my iPhone is autocorrecting "yes" to "Myra." It makes me look even crazier via text. 

I'm looking forward to everyone being healthy and me feeling much less insane. Is this even a possibility?

Immunizations for Cranky Pants

Last Friday, I took the girls to the doctor for Lena's one year visit and surprise, they both got immunizations! Charlotte got the Flumist nasal spray flu shot and Lena got 4 bad boys in her pudgy arms. We've never dealt with any major side effects after shots besides an occasional low grade fever and extra sleepiness.

Because of that, I didn't expect this round to be much different. Well, if you don't recall, I am a fool.
Saturday evening my mom watching the girls while we were away and she mentioned the Lena had been crying on and off for a few hours after 10pm. That's not normal, and if it does happen, I know it's not magically going to stop once I bring her home. She was up early and absolutely freaking out. I got up a few times before I demanded  asked nicely that my husband get up and take a turn. He got her back to sleep after about 20 minutes, and shortly after she woke again. It was about 7am, and since we were out pretty late, neither of us was too thrilled to begin the day. Lena didn't seem ready to be up since she was so angry. I'm talking arching her back, trying to throw herself out of my arms angry. I'm trying to soothe her, doing all the things that normally work, when suddenly my husband comes into her dark room singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider. I thought maybe he was sleep walking or on drugs, but evidently that's how he got her to chill an hour earlier. It didn't work this time around. I convinced myself at one point that she was having an adverse reaction to her shots and that she was going to have to stay in the hospital and our lives would forever be changed. But then I sat with her outside in the cool weather and she finally chilled. (HA GET IT?)

We went back inside and she sat down and played like she wasn't just possessed for hours.
This has happened twice since yesterday morning. She's been up 5-6 times at night, and taking crappy naps. I blamed it on the shots, but after she skipped her afternoon nap today and freaked out instead, I called the doctor (mostly so I could tell them that I hate them). They did explain that since she got two new ones that she hasn't had before, that could explain it. She also said she just talked with a mom who said her one year old was cranky for a week after her shots.

On top of Lena's crankiness, Charlotte got a high fever (103*) yesterday and was moaning and whining and had a runny nose. So thanks Flumist for wrecking my Sunday recovery day from our fun night out.

Speaking of fun night out, we were guests at the Metro Health Hospital Foundation dinner. It was a black tie event so we got all dressed up like we were important people.

she looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends.

I actually rented my dress from Rent the Runway and highly recommend it! If you do end up needing to rent, you can get $20 off by using that link, by the way. :) I definitely don't have any use for full length gowns in my closet, and even if I did attend more fancy events, we all know I wouldn't wear the same dress. 

Do your kids get cranky after they have shots or are you a good parent who chooses to not poison your children? 

I am That Mom.

My kids are those kids.

We have arrived!

Today I needed to head to Target to pick up a couple of things and just get out of the house. Lena has been taking a super short morning nap the past two days, and if we don't fill up the time, we all start going a little crazy.
As I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a woman putting away a cart and told her I'd take it from her. She saw me loading up my kids and said "oh wow! you have your hands full!" I replied "Oh, I only have two! ...But I guess I only have two hands, so yes. My hands are full." But I was upbeat and positive, because my kids are just so doggone sweet and angelic and darling and polite.

We walked into the store, and Charlotte was bee bopping around, Prancercise style:

She pranced her way over to a Disney Princess shopping cart and was completely fascinated with it. Normally, she has no problem with putting a toy back at the store, but she wanted to push it around. Instead of dealing with a potential spazz attack now, I decided to let her push it around the store while we shopped and then we could put it back later. (I am an idiot.)

At this point, the only mischief she was getting into was bumping into my cart and saying "Cheers!"

Any time she sees two like-objects, she clinks them together does a small toast. It's especially great when she bumps shoulders with Lena in a matching outfit.

I found the items we needed, which included some giant storage containers for their outgrown clothes. The cart was pretty full, and I had the lids of the bins on the rack beneath the cart. It was time for us to check out, which meant it was time to put the beloved princess shopping cart away. 

As we turned down the aisle, Charlotte saw another toy shopping cart and needed to clink them together and shout "cheers!" and while she was putting the less-loved cart back, I secretly took the princess cart and put it back on a high shelf without her noticing. 

A look of panic washed over Charlotte's face as she saw her soul mate-toy went missing. She was calling out for the cart as if it would come wheeling around the corner like her trusty dog. When it didn't appear, she went back for cart #2 and decided that one would do. 

I explained to her that she already has a shopping cart at home. 

<sobs>

I asked her if she brought her money (like $1.25 in change), because she needs money to buy it.

<says no, sobs more>

I was holding Lena during this time since she was sick of sitting in the cart, and I had to put her back so I could reason with the terrorist. A strange lady approaches and actually helped by playing peek-a-boo with Lena while I attempted to talk Charlotte off the ledge.

And miracle of miracles, Charlotte got up off the floor (did I mention she was sitting on the floor? Her latest protest position) and we continued on. About 10 steps later, she decides she is not quite done mourning. She throws her body down onto the floor and starts crying some more. 

Lena continues to cry in the cart. 

I'm crouched down trying to get through to the toddler. "I remember when I was little...."

(This gets her attention EVERY time.) 

"...I would go to the store with my mom. You know, Grandma."
<stops crying>
"It was so hard seeing all of those fun toys at the store without taking them home. But Grandma told me about all of the fun things we could do at home with my toys....." and more lies and more lies and more lies.

<gets up and starts walking>
Ten steps later, she begins to wail again. A crabby old woman looks at me and I tell her that I'm just living the dream. She told me that she had two girls "10 and 3/4 months apart". Instead of getting into the nitty gritty of that, I just said "then you know how it goes." And she agreed and went on her way. 

At this point, Charlotte's face is blotchy and red, she's got drool on her shirt and snot dripping down her face. She shoved the cart so that all of the lids to the bins went flying out and scattered across the floor right near the checkout. I'm doing my best not to lose my shit, and I'm getting my items out of the cart to buy.

I was laughing to the cashier about how I just need to get out of there and as she totaled up my items, I realized I didn't have my debit card. The one that was in my pocket last night. The one that I held and said to a neighbor "I really need to stop putting this in my pocket. I'm just going to forget about it." The one that I put on the counter instead of in my purse "so I would remember it". 

Yes, people. This is my life. I asked if she could suspend the order or whatever so I could run home (thankful, once again, that I live a couple of short miles away). She was able to do so, and I got the whole thing figured out, but seriously.

I'm afraid that this is becoming the norm, as Charlotte has had meltdowns just about everywhere lately. 

So if you have any coping mechanisms, please do share! I could use all the help I can get. 

Rules for Babysitting

In the last several months, we've branched out a bit and had a few "strangers" babysit the girls. Of course I learned a bit about them and asked lots of questions before we had them watch them, and so far it really has  been good for us.
The girls who have helped out have been between 18-22. About two years ago, I had a neighbor's daughter come babysit Charlotte as an infant. The babysitter was 12 (ish). She came over with a little binder with questionnaires and a list of phone numbers for me to fill out. I mean, this is big time, people. She's going to take over the biz.

Here are some things that the 18-22 crowd can learn from the tween.

1.  Ask me questions.  Let me know that you're paying attention to my instructions and if maybe I've missed something. It's likely I have. Even if it's "do you have a wifi password?", the answer is yes, but you'll have to figure out which one is the right one because we can never remember.
2. Play with my kids. Act like you like them. Especially when I'm still at home looking for my lip gloss and dusting off my high heels. I don't like silence while I'm trying to figure out what this crust is on my shirt and if I should change before I leave. Most of the time, the babysitters are good at this. But there have been a couple who seriously don't know what to even say to a two year old. How about "hi!"
3. When I ask you a question, like "are you comfortable feeding the baby baby food?" I don't exactly expect you to say no, but if you've never done it before, don't lie. I'll give you more specific instructions, like "put on a bib" or "the food goes here, in her mouth. not in her ears where I'll find it tomorrow if you're lying."
4. If you have rules, speak up. You charge your own hourly rate? Let me know right off the bat. You have a minimum amount of time that you see as "worth it"? Tell me. Sometimes I only need someone for an hour, if that's not something you're interested in, tell me first. 
5. It's always a good idea to check in after the kids are in bed and all is well. I often let the sitter know that I'll be sending a text around 8:30 just to make sure bedtime went smoothly and help out in case something weird is going on. (Charlotte getting upset because the wrong button was pushed on her sound machine and now it's ocean waves instead of static. 2 year olds can be very specific in their white noise needs.) If you can't figure out the remote, text me. I don't want you to get so bored that you start snooping.
6. CLEAN UP. This is something that some people are really good at, and others just don't get it. It may have been messy when you arrived because two kids were awake and pulling out every toy and book. But after bedtime is the perfect time to tidy up. How awkward would it be if I was like an actual employer (or just a mom, i guess) and I said "I will pay you after you clean up these toys and wipe the baby food off the table. Go ahead. I'll watch." Nope, just do it first and we'll avoid that situation.
7. When I come home and ask how it went, "fine." is not an acceptable answer. Tell me how much you love the little nuggets, even if they were sort of naughty. Tell me if they were naughty. If the baby cried, you can tell me, that way I'm not surprised. If you say she didn't cry, can you tell me your secrets? Let me know if dinner went well, tell me a funny story, act like you're in it for more than the money, because FYI 18-22 year olds? You're getting paid more than our date cost. 

Yeah, maybe these rules are stupid or asking too much. 

But I just had a brilliant idea. 

In the spirit of celebrating today's technology, the babysitters can unlock "badges" for tasks they complete. A lot like four square or some other hip thing that I know nothing about.

Keep kids alive: $5/hr

Complete bedtime routine (wash face, brush teeth, comb hair, story): bonus $5

Check in with mom to say all is well: bonus $2
Clean up after the kids: bonus $5

Fold kids' laundry: bonus $5 

Unload dishwasher: bonus $5

Tell me how much you love my kids and how they are the sweetest little girls you've ever watched in your life: bonus $150. (okay, not really.)

Based on a 4 hour night out, this is $47 where over half of the hours the kids are asleep. I mean, you could get $20 for the bare minimum, but don't you feel special when you unlock badges? I do. That's why I track my food on My Fitness Pal. 

But nothing beats having family babysit. They love the kiddos, they clean up so I don't blog about them later, and they're usually free. :) 

What would you add the list? Am I asking way too much?

I babysat a lot in my youth and usually made $3-5/hr for full days, watching 3 kids. Walked uphill both ways to school. Barefoot. I had to use AOL Instant Messenger to talk to my friends. The horror. 

Ultimate Reset

In the last 3 weeks (plus 2 days), I've started and completed the Beachbody Ultimate Reset. Basically, it's a 21 day detox/cleanse with a supplement program and meal plan of whole foods.
It was one of the more challenging things I've done as far as discipline and self control goes. I did this with two of my neighbors and we were all successful with sticking with it and getting great results.
While weight loss is definitely a benefit of the program, it's mostly about getting your body to the healthiest state it can be by eliminating a lot of the garbage that we put into it.
When we started, it was definitely a shock to the system. There was so much food prep and planning ahead. It become somewhat second nature by the second week, but I think it was a good thing. I got used to planning and preparing a good lunch instead of sharing a box of macaroni and cheese with Charlotte.
And adding bacon to mine. Or whatever.
I don't need to get into all of the boring details, but it was actually a much more positive experience than I anticipated. I thought I'd be a lot crabbier, when really I felt the best I ever really have. I expected to be STARVING but I never was. The biggest challenge was not cheating when I really wanted chocolate or crackers. Turns out I really, really like crackers. mmm triscuits.

I didn't miss dairy really at all, and I was totally fine without meat. But the cracker part of my  food pyramid was definitely left wanting more.
Both of my neighbors and I reported sleeping better and having a lot more energy. I didn't have a lick of caffeine and didn't miss it. Of course I've had a little coffee both yesterday and today because it's just a nice part of my morning and I enjoy the taste. I didn't go into it thinking it was a "lifestyle change" because frankly, it's not. I think it's a good kick start to some really healthy habits which I will likely maintain, but to say I'm a grain-free vegan now is the stupidest claim I could make. We don't live in a community where that's an easy lifestyle. Community = my house. I would get kicked out.

I don't have any before and afters to share and if I did, I probably wouldn't share them. I'm selfish like that.

But I will tell you that I did lose some weight, and since I last stated my commitment to getting fit (late March), I have lost 13 pounds. That? is something I'm pleased with. I just did the math and I was really surprised to learn it was that much. My quest still continues because I'm having a 1/3 life crisis and when the youngest anyone mistakes you for is 29 when you're 30, I MUST FIGHT IT. Aging gracefully is for the weak.

I'm not exactly sure what my goal is. It's not like I have a race coming up (I don't enjoy running that much) or have anything approaching where I need to fit into an evening gown for judges to rate me.

But yeah. The Ultimate Reset was really worth it. If you don't think you can do it, you can't. It's pretty much that simple. But having the accountability of my friends was the biggest help, and if you're interested if giving it a try, just click here and you can get started.
Or click here and just enjoy life.

Oh, and I got paid to talk about this.*

*no I didn't.

Being Two

1. I want oatmeal!
2. This is good, but it'd be even better if I could eat it on the stairs.
3. It would be even more delicious if I didn't have to feed myself. "MOMMY!"
4. I have to go potty.
5. Oh! The Cat in the Hat is on! 
6. I really need to pee.
7. Where are my sparkly shoes?
8. It's been a couple hours, I think I'll start crying.
9. I'm going to see how much crazy shit my mom will do in hopes that I'll use the potty.
10. Hahaha, she's a fool. 
11. Play-doh!
12. Where's Grandma?
13. Where's the dog? 
14. I bet the dog likes play-doh.
15. Why isn't Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on RIGHT NOW.
16. I want milk.
17. No, water.
18. Wait, juice.
19. no, milk.
20. wait, water.
21. this water is not actually what I wanted.
22. Milk, please.
23. POTTY NOW
24. Scream in terror in anticipation
25. CELEBRATE, LET'S CLAP OUR HANDS!
26. I'm hungry.
27. I refuse to accept any offers on lunch choices.
28. My hair wants to be brushed.
29. I want to brush the baby's hair.
30. Why doesn't the baby have hair.
31. Where's my lunch.
32. I want a diaper change, but I'm not wearing a diaper.
33. Ask for diaper, but I'll cry when it's on.
34. Mommy looks like she needs a hug
35. I think she wants to be kicked
36. It's time to read 15 books.
37. I love cuddling with my mom.
38. I feel funny. Like I just really need to scream.
39. Like I'm losing all control. 
40. Time to slam my body down
41. and wind it all around
42. Slam, Slam, Slam, Slam
43. Zig a zig ah.
44. Nap time. finally I can take a break from the theatrics.

We've got a two year old in full force these days. Her favorite word is no. Says it for everything. Then gets angry when you don't know when she actually means yes.

Fortunately, the tantrums have only happened while at home. (my mom's house too). The moment she busts it out in public is the day she knows she's winning the battle.

wish me luck.

I'm 75% cute, 15% sweet, 95% INSANE

Stop Thinking You're the Only One

I've talked with people recently who admit to feeling overwhelmed by housework, read about moms who feel like they're letting themselves or their family down if they don't keep a neat home. I am definitely in the same boat 99.9% of the time.
I follow a couple of blogs with tips on staying organized, mostly so I can bitch about how type A they are and what a miserable life that must be. And occasionally I'm like "oh I should go alphabetize my socks right now too!" But most of the time I get super jealous and feel bad about myself and what a failure I must be.
I have my moments where I am ambitious and I get shit done. But even on a Saturday when I have extra help at home, it still takes a really long time to do what takes others 10 minutes.

My whole point here is if you feel like you can't stay on top of it, you're not alone.
So here. You can start feeling better now:

Mud room. Absolutely no organization to it. Drives me nuts.  Makes me anxious to share this.

Family room after moving all the random stuff onto the coffee table (instead of just putting it away) to clean the carpets.

At least the carpet is clean.

The things tossed on the stairs "so I can bring them up next time I go upstairs." hahahahahaha

Oh yeah. Don't we have a playroom down here? yup. It's bulimic. 

Maybe If I just move everything to the bottom it won't look as messy.

If you're looking for something, it's likely it's stuck on the fridge.

Ugh. the kitchen table. We eat our meals here. HOW? By moving that pile someplace else, that's how.

And it turns out I'm a mess too. I have spit up all over this shirt. Notice the finger prints on that mirror.
DEAL WITH IT.

Just because I'm sharing these things doesn't mean I don't care about the mess. I do, and I clean it up when I feel like I can. But you know what? My girls are fed. 3, sometimes 4 times a day. There's bowls, plates, bottles and sippy cups laying around to prove it. There are toys strewn about because mommy told you to just go play with your toys already, we spend time playing and reading together. 

With people posting, sharing, pinning, instagramming everything these days, it can be easy to feel like you don't measure up to it all. 

But dude. This is my house on a normal day. Not a tornado day, not the day of cleaning, just a normal day. Sorry if you're disappointed.

No I'm not.

I just hope I made you feel a *teensy* bit better about not always being on top of it all.

Do you think that social media has an impact about how you feel about yourself, your home, or your possessions? 

I do. But then I just read the confessions on Scary Mommy and decide I'm normal. 

Just a Day in the Life

Every Monday around 1:30 I start to question my capability of being a mother. Coming off from a weekend where I had extra help makes Mondays all the more challenging.

Today was extra monday-y because Charlotte was testing me more than usual. I'd ask her to do something for me like "can you pick up the paci that I just dropped?" and she ignores me. So I said "Charlotte. You need to listen to me when I'm talking to you." dead behind the eyes.
"Kay. One more time. Please pick up the paci for mommy. Lena needs it." So she picks it up and THROWS  it.

Lena has been taking short naps (30-45 minutes) and shrieks until she's fed. I just can't imagine she's that hungry after 2 hours, but I always offer her a bottle, and she drinks 3/4 of it, and wants more later. When she's not supposed to be napping, she is a peach. Very smiley and easy going. But holy crap. If you pop in and offer her a pacifier after she wakes, you'd think that she got her finger slammed in a door. She will not calm down until she gets fed. Rocking her and attempting to soothe her just fuels any fire. She eats so much now that she gets bottles, I just can't believe she can be that hungry. So I feed her, and all feelings of me wanting to run away from home go away as soon as she's not wailing.

Today at lunch, Charlotte told me she wanted macaroni and cheese. Well, in so many words. I figured out what she wanted, and she sat in her chair and waited. Well, saying she waited is giving her a lot of credit. She said "keeze!" (cheese) about one million times while getting more angry and impatient. The kitchen was an absolute disaster, I had to change Lena and get her down for a nap, all while ensuring the pot didn't boil over. Both the literal pot and the figurative pot of my brain boiling out of my ears and eyeballs.

After her mac and cheese, Charlotte asked for some yogurt on a "plate".
wrong move by mom #1: I put it in a small bowl.
So when she spazzed, I took it away from her. She stopped crying and I asked if she wanted it back. She said yes.
I gave her a spoon and she pushed it away.

I didn't realize I picked out the evil kind.
(the internet is so great.)

wrong move by mom #2: put yogurt in spoon and attempt to feed her. got some in her protesting pie hole.
She then took her hand and scooped the yogurt out of her mouth. And then ate it off her hand.
What in the crap, sister?

Like I mentioned in a previous post, she really is quite easy, but of course since I put that out into the universe, it gets blown up in my face.
The last few days during nap time I hear her chatting a majority of the time about rockets. Probably talking to her home base on Mars.
Last night I put her to bed and an hour later she's yapping away. I go in and tell her to go to sleep and she says "okay mommy." and I don't hear a peep.
I think skipping sleep is catching up with her and that's why she has a love/hate with me and yogurt. Also, she's 2. She has a love/hate with everything at any given moment.

I've been asked by a couple of people recently if I want to go back to work. I can't help but think they're hinting that maybe I'm no good at this mom-thing and I should let someone else take over.
That's the sneaky postpartum depression remnants messing with my brain, because if I step outside of my brain (not literally possible), I recognize that they're just asking. Maybe suggesting that I get out of the house or something. But I can't help it. So then when I have nutso days where I feel like I'm losing it, I'm worried I'm not cut out for the job.

Winter is especially tough because we spend all of our time inside. The conditions are not ideal for a stroller walk, and to play with Charlotte in the snow while the baby sleeps doesn't give us very much time once all the snow gear is on.

We do have a vacation coming up in a couple of weeks and it will be really nice to get away and have family members that (hopefully) enjoy spending time with the girls so it makes my job a lot easier. I'm more anxious about how Lena will do on the plane this time around vs when she was 10 weeks and sleeping in my arms. I plan on having a lot of bottles ready as that seems to be her favorite thing lately.

Sorry for the lack of any interesting pictures. I do have a cute little video I shot with #vine (yep. I just hashtagged that.)
It's supposed to loop over and over, but I can't get it do it here.

My favorite is when she dances down by Lena. What a cheeser. 

I know I can't possibly be alone when I feel like I'm going nuts staying at home with my kids, but what kind of odd behavior do your children exhibit that try your patience? 

I Run For...

A couple of months ago I started "running" again. The range of reasoning to do so has greatly varied over the course of just a few weeks.
First, I was going to run because it felt good to not weigh a bajillion pounds after being pregnant.
Then it turned into training for some sort of make believe race that existed only in my mind because I couldn't commit to signing up for one.
After that, I ran to get out of the house and not feel like I was constantly giving myself to another living thing. It was very liberating.
Then it changed to getting in shape.
Finally, where I am now, it's for mental health. I've thrown away any other reason why I might be doing it. I'm not training for anything. I'm not trying to run faster or longer. I imagine over time, I would get slightly faster and be able to run longer without crying about it, but that's just an added bonus.

For now, I run to maintain regain my sanity. About 8 weeks after Lena was born, I crashed. The first several weeks were euphoric. Maybe even a little manic, but I didn't realize it. I felt so good. Too good. About two weeks postpartum, I got a call from the mental health nurse at the hospital just checking in, and I was all "pshht. this is a breeze. I feel like a super woman. I LOVE MY BABIES SO MUCH."  But I sort of started to crumble. At my 6 week check up, I expressed concern to my OB, but he actually blew me off! So I figured, it must not be that bad. Another week went by and I acknowledged and expressed my need for extra help from my husband and my mom. Not just help with the girls, but an understanding that I didn't have much control over my bizarre thoughts and moods.

I would say I tried coping for about 2 weeks but my anxiety, intrusive thoughts and endless sobbing were not getting better. It was getting much worse.
Little things would set me off and I couldn't get myself back together. I would show up to what should have been a fun girls night, but my eyes were all puffy from crying because I saw a cop on the side of the road and I was worried I would get pulled over for...nothing. Not speeding, not drinking, not anything. But I was wracked with anxiety over it.
It was the week of Thanksgiving and after a dinner out with some neighbor friends where we lightly discussed postpartum depression in an almost humorous way (as I tend to do), I returned the call to that phone nurse from many weeks ago. When she answered, I just burst into tears. I felt so foolish. She immediately told me what a remarkable thing I was doing by choosing to get better. I cried even harder. She was so, so helpful and helped to get me in the right direction.

With just a few days before we left on our Disney vacation, I was prescribed some meds and within those few days, I really started to feel a difference. When Lena cried, I felt like I could handle it. When there were toys strewn about the entire house I didn't want to burn the house down and move. When my husband didn't say "that was the most delicious dinner I've ever eaten" I didn't assume he was going to run off with some broad and start a new life. Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but these were serious thoughts inside of my crazy head.

I'm stepping forward and speaking up because I KNOW this is a problem that many, many moms (and non moms!) face. But there's so much shame. I don't know why that is. If you tripped over your pant leg because of a unfortunate pants/heels combination and sprained your wrist, would you keep it a secret? Okay, maybe you would. But I wouldn't. You speak up and warn others that you should be careful if your pants have an open cuff and you wear a non-wedge heel that could get caught in there. You could save someone the embarrassment of falling in front of all of their co workers.

But I digress.

After I started sort of bringing it up to some old friends, and some new, I learned that postpartum depression and anxiety is super common (but not any less serious because of it) and that like going for a run without children, it's very liberating to talk openly about it.
At 15 weeks postpartum, I'm feeling much better, and a little more in control. I don't hesitate to ask for help, and I refuse to be a martyr. If you ever feel like you are in this same boat, don't be shy or embarrassed. Speak up, and if you don't know where to start, just send me an email and I'd be happy to chat.

While I normally try to keep things lighthearted, I felt it was important to bring this topic to light as well.
It's sort of a big step for me to put this completely out there, even though I am a chronic over sharer. So even a high five via the interwebs is encouraging.

Here's to a happy, healthy 2013!

Lunacy

Last night when I was up with Lena, a series of events occurred that resulted in what will become literary birth control. 

If you're bad at remembering to take your pill, just bookmark this post and read it every day for 5 days, until you can be sure your prescription is doing its job again.

Small print: That is not a surefire way to prevent pregnancy. I am not a doctor, but I watch a lot of TV and use google for everything. Also, the following is not a complaint about my sweet angelic Lena, rather it's stating the awesomeness that comes along with parenting. 

Back to normal print. 

Around 11:45, my husband brought Lena to me to be fed. It was one of the first nights where she was peacefully sleeping for about an hour before midnight. Usually she's quite restless between 9-12, so I was pleased I was able to actually get about an hour and a half of sleep before that. I was feeling really hopeful because of this, since the night before was sort of a challenge where she didn't want to go back to sleep after both of her night time feedings. 

We shared our Johnson & Johnson moment of peaceful nursing and calm quiet eye contact, when BOOM. Biggest burp and milk explosion all over me, her, and everything in between (as it turns out, that's not a whole lot.) I didn't want to rouse her by being all dramatic about it all, so I'm trying to tip toe around the creaking floors and find a burp cloth, screw that, an entire change of clothes, but she wakes up anyway. 

She went back to sleep about 40 minutes later and I climbed into bed. 2 hours later she wakes and she's ready to be fed again. She's in need of a diaper change, and being the smart cookie that I am, I change her first, so she can comfortably nurse and go back to sleep. 

For some reason though, she's just really ticked and I find it odd. Stop crying so loud, kid. I'm right here, I'm getting the job done. 

This is the sequence of events that then took place:

I change diaper, discover our last package of wipes is in Charlotte's room.
Find other* object to clean child.
Retrieve pacifier that keeps falling out and bouncing (those soothie brand are bouncy!) off someplace
Child pees all over while diaper is not on because I wasted too much time looking for something to clean her with.
Find new blanket to swaddle her in, as previous blanket was all wet.
Retrieve soothie (they really shouldn't make them in that clearish material. Impossible to find in a dimly lit room.)
Calm her down and get comfy to feed.
<15 minutes go by>
Big grunt, bigger poop. Ohhh...that's why we change diapers after a feeding.
Glad I changed swaddling blanket. I don't need to unwrap her arms, I can change her without startling her too much!
Dammit, still no wipes!! Use a different other* object.
Locate and retrieve rogue soothie.
Sit back down and attempt to rock her back to sleep without nursing, but end up needing to nurse.
Notice her arm looks funny.
Is there something wrong with her shoulder?
Am I swaddling too tight?
Is that why she was crying so loud earlier?
Holy crap is her shoulder dislocated?
OMG we need to take her to the ER!
Do we need to go to the ER for this?
What will we do with Charlotte?
Can it wait until tomorrow?
Will she be able to sleep if she's in pain?
I need to check out her shoulder!!
That means I need to unswaddle her and ultimately wake her up again!!!!
<unswaddle>
Realize I wasn't feeling her shoulder, but it was her elbow. (that would have been pretty crazy had her shoulder been way down there. It was 3am though. I get easily mixed up when I'm tired.)
Re-swaddle, re-paci, re-rock, cross fingers and put her down to sleep.
Climb into bed.

WAH. <wait>
WAH. <go in>
Repeat every 10 minutes for the next 40 minutes.

Decide to go downstairs and try the swing, and I'll sleep on the couch.
Snort, grunt, wah, sniffle, grunt
Repeat constantly until 6.
Good morning!!

*remind me to do laundry today, and also to bring wipes back into Lena's room.

Whenever we have nights like this, I wake up and think there's NO WAY I can make it through the day with a toddler and a newborn, but it's like when the sun comes up, my sanity comes back and I don't get body parts mixed up anymore. So weird. 

Do you get crazy brain when you're tired?
One time, when my husband was in college, I asked him why he had a box of cheez-its next to his bed. He told me that the night before he was coughing like crazy and he thought the only thing that would get the coughing to stop was by eating a ton of cheez-its. I think it may have worked...so if you learn anything from today's post it's that cheez-its cure whooping cough.

A New Decade, an Old Emily

I celebrated a birthday this weekend. I use the word "celebrated" loosely since it was a mix of mourning and enjoying the attention.

I turned 30. I'm at the age where I think I'm supposed to start lying about my age. I'm not at all disappointed with where I am in life at this age. It's just the number that I don't like. And the knowledge of what happens now. Apparently it's harder to lose weight now. There are skin care lines targeted to people my age. I think there's an official rule about not being allowed to shop at Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe. Not that I've been there in a very long time (wait, I got some things at Forever 21 last fall...) but it's an unspoken understanding.

When I was pregnant I was feeling sorry for myself since I threw my husband a birthday party for his big 3-0. I knew that I was going to have a new little baby and I probably wouldn't want to do anything at all to celebrate, or I'd want to do something but wouldn't be able to. Well, as it turned out, I have no problem getting Grandma to babysit so we can go out and have a good time.

We went to two of my favorite places. We started at Reserve downtown for a charcuterie and cheese platter and a flight of bubbly! The Tigers were playing so Marcus was checking his phone a lot, but I had my smoked meats to occupy me. It was so awesome being able to enjoy unpasteurized cheeses, room temperature sliced meat and sparkling wine. I love being not pregnant.

It was another friend's birthday the day before and a group of friends were out at Ruth's Chris so we were going to stop by just to say hi and maybe have a drink, but we ended up staying for dinner. Fancy schmancy, I tell you. Marcus and I shared a 15 pound cut of beef and a small salad. The salad was the only non meat or cheese item I had eaten all day.

It actually turned out to be a really great day, especially since my expectations were really low. :)

Leaving my 20's behind isn't easy. They were a lot of fun. I'm not so sure my 30's will come close, but they say the best is yet to come. I guess I'll just have to find out for myself.

no pictures. sorry. they're on facebook.

How I Do It All

Hahahahahaha - "How I Do It All". I've never been accused of doing it all. I don't claim that I do. Sometimes, however, it feels like I do.
When I left my job to stay home I knew I had to make it a job. I can't just stay home and pretend that it's enough work on it's own.
I am easily overwhelmed when I have a big to do list. So to remedy that, I made a simple list of things I should get done each day. I have it posted on my little chalk board to remind myself what I need to get done, and if I'm feeling ambitious, I can do some extra things or some "chores" for tomorrow.
I don't mind doing most of the tasks. I like the idea of checking things off my list. What I'm getting really really sick of though? Picking up blocks. Collecting scattered books from all over the house. Lining up the many, many toys around the perimeter of our family room. Yeah yeah. I know. I have years of this ahead of me. I am seriously considering packing up 3/4 of Charlotte's toys and just hiding them for a while. She probably wouldn't even notice.
The thing that bugs me is that when the toys are picked up the house looks so clean. Never mind that I washed all the baseboards today, wiped down all the doors, doorknobs, light switch plates, and hand rails. Don't worry that I mopped all the hard surfaces and vacuumed the couch 3 times this week. I sanitize the shower, tub and bathroom counters on Wednesdays and dust all of the furniture on Tuesdays. I do a total of 8 loads of laundry a week.
But if I don't pick up those stinking toys? It looks like I didn't do a thing all day. SO. ANNOYING.

What you can't see is that the tile around the fireplace has been mopped, I washed all the fingerprints off the fireplace glass, dusted the electronics, and polished the furniture.

Would I be mean if I hid a majority of her toys...at least until the playroom is finished?

Budget Schmudget

I have a confession.

We do not have a "budget." 

That does not mean we don't aren't on top of things. It does not mean we buy whatever we want all of the time.    It doesn't mean that we aren't saving. But it does mean that more than necessary is being spent. 

In the last few weeks, I decided I wanted to take a deeper look at my habits even though I might be frightened by them. I put it off because I was afraid it would start an argument and I didn't really want to make a change.

I compare a budget to joining weight watchers. I need to be ready to make a change. I need to be excited about seeing how little I can spend but how great it can be. It's like making a delicious filling meal on very few weight watchers points. I think I'm ready!!

For those of you who are super organized and loving your budgeted life, I'm sure this just makes you insane! The places I can cut back on are my spontaneous trips to Target, spending too much on groceries when there is food to be made already in our pantry, and maybe....just maybe...I can cut back on spending on Charlotte and me. I'm not a huge fan of buying second hand, but will definitely do it if I find something I like! But when little kids need a new wardrobe every 3-4 months, it adds up! I need to pack more lunches instead of going out on days that I go to work. 

I'm thinking about trying the whole cash envelope system, but not down to every last penny. I recognize that probably isn't the "right" way to do it, but I plan on using them on the things I need to cut back on. 

I don't really know how much/how little to start with. I know everyone is different, but if you have any helpful tips or suggestions, let me know!