Go Ahead, Laugh At Me

But you might feel bad about it.

Today was one of the crappiest days I had in a while...as far as everything-going-wrong type of days go. I mean, when I think about it, I realize it's not bad. At all. But in the midst of trying to not go bat-shit crazy, it's hard to have perspective.

Let's start at the beginning. Time change. That effer can really screw with you. My facebook friends will already know that I took to the interwebs to voice my frustration, but that was really only the beginning.
I had to leave my house by 7am this morning, earlier, if I wanted to be on time for once. Well, at 6:45, my Charlotte-alarm was squealing and I leaped out of bed in a panic, wondering how much dry shampoo it would take to make my hair look like it had been wet-shampooed. I make a bottle and bring Charlotte to our bed and hope that Marcus can stay in bed with her for a few more minutes while I shower. (I decided I didn't want to waste an entire can of dry shampoo.) After I emerged from the bathroom, Marcus groggily asks me why I have to be to work so early...? Meanwhile it's actually FIVE FIFTY FIVE. AND MY DAUGHTER IS UP FOR (WHAT SHE THINKS) THE DAY. Ho, no. I got lucky and she went back to sleep.  Score for me.
I was able to get ready without too much annoyance, save finding a dirty thermos that had a little puddle of old coffee in it when all I needed was a clean thermos...
I load Charlotte up and head to my mom's to drop her off for the day. It's about a 20 minute drive, and then back another 20 minutes to work. Marcus had loaded up an old crappy air compressor in the back of my van since he just sold his Explorer and replaced it with a tiny impractical car. (I suppose that's an entirely different story.) He told me to go easy on my brakes and watch it on the curves because the air compressor may not stay upright. By the time I made it to the edge of our neighborhood, the stupid piece of crap went crashing over, terrifying me and my daughter and leaking oil in my sweet mom-ride.
So I move over to the side of the road and I try to lift it back up. I am wearing a skirt, tights and a dress coat. I'm crawling into the back of my van and surveying the oil spill dressed like a congress woman. (or a flight attendant, or librarian, as I'm often mistaken for. oh, and preschool teacher.) I attempt to lift the big dirty beast and it won't budge. I call Marcus and am very rude. I call my mom to see if she can meet me a little closer to the highway to save some time.
After I made it to the the highway exit, I transferred my kiddo into my mom's car and asked if she could maybe help me. I was able to lift up the compressor and adjust some newspaper to soak up some of the oil, but I can tell it's not going to stay in this position for long. There were some bungees and tow straps "holding it in place" but they may as well have been birthday party streamers as they were draped gracefully throughout the back of my van.
I said my goodbyes to Charlotte and my mom took the diaper bag and asked, "Where is her bottle?"
My spirit crumbled. How could I have forgotten?! My mom offered to pick one up at a near by store, knowing they don't have "her kind", but anything would do, right?!
I left for work, called my boss and said I needed to drop the oil monster to my husband's work because I wasn't going to leave it in my car all day. Within moments, it crashed onto it's side once again, even louder than before. I tried to adjust again after pulling into a gas station, but cannot get it to budge. Really missing the ol' personal trainer right about now. (I just asked Marcus, the compressor weighs 100 lbs. That explains my inability to lift it.)
I was 45 minutes late to work with an oil slick in my car, dirty hands, and a headache. It wasn't long after that my mom notified me that Charlotte refused to take the new bottle and protested loudly about it. It was going to be a long-ass day.
I honestly tried so hard during my 40 extra minutes of driving to be thankful amidst what I felt least thankful for. You know, taking a hint from all of the people doing 30 days of thanks on facebook or their blogs. I felt guilty for not praying the moment that I felt anger creeping in. Anger at Marcus for making me cart around what I felt to be a dangerous greasy time bomb, anger at myself for not being more responsible for setting my alarm properly, for remembering a bottle, and then forgetting a co-workers birthday card even though I just stopped at the store. I felt sorry for myself because on top of that, I felt like a pathetic wife and mother. Seriously, why couldn't I just get it together? I've been working harder at praying before I let things get out of hand. It doesn't always come naturally, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it's working.
I wanted people to coddle me and tell me that yes, my morning did suck, but then tell me how awesome I was and how clean my hair looked. But no one would. I can't rely on other people to make me feel better about myself.
I need to work harder on talking with God during those long car rides instead of fuming and getting more angry. It gets me nowhere.
So, I've determined something to be thankful for throughout my craptastic morning. I'm thankful that these days are (relatively) few and far between, and I'm thankful that even though I felt like I had worked a full day even before arriving at my job, I had a reminder that I need to spend more time in prayer. That in itself is probably worth it...and maybe, just maybe there will be even fewer craptastic days because of it.

side note: Charlotte refused her bottle all day, just as she had my first week back to work. But Marcus was able to pick her up a bit early. And that made me happy.

A Word On Mom Guilt

I've been hearing a lot of stories lately about the guilt that is associated with motherhood.
I've had conversations about it, overheard discussions on it, and today on Hoda and Kathy Lee, they had guests on to talk about it. It's evident that this is an on-going battle that many moms deal with.

First of all, it's hard enough being a mom and making decisions that effect THE REST OF YOUR CHILD'S LIFE. We don't need your opinion on whether you think I should stay at home or go to work or if I should let her cry or pick her up or if I should breastfeed for 18 months or give her formula of if she should choose when she should start solids or if I puree every frickin thing so she can eat at 5 months or if she sleeps on her belly with a blanket or I strap her on her back or if I'm rigid with a sleep schedule or if I let her do what she wants....unless I ask you for your opinion.

I've been asked countless times (about going to work) "but isn't is so hard leaving your baby? <sad baby whiney frown face>" You know what? No. It's not. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel terrible about leaving her, but I know she's in wonderful care and gets to spend time with Grandma and her cousins. Don't get me wrong, my face sometimes tingles in anticipation of feeling her chubby cheeks smashed up against it. I can't wait to kiss her pouty lips and squish her pudgy thighs, but don't you dare make me feel like I've made some super difficult choice.

Another important point to make is that when you say things like "I know it's hard when mommy has to leave" or "some moms have to go to work" your kid gets the wrong message. Whether you stay home or go to a different job, what you're doing is work. "This is just the way it is" might be a more appropriate message.

Growing up, my mom had to work. She raised my siblings and me on her own (for a majority of the time) and I never questioned why she had to do it. It was the way it was. I don't know if she ever had any amount of guilt, per se, but for her it was just the way it was. No biggie. Now that I am an adult and have a child of my own, I see already how my actions and my response to life directly effects my baby. No need to get her stressed out about my personal guilt. Yes, I am going to deeply miss her when we go on vacation without her next month, but guilt? I don't think so. Traveling internationally across multiple timezones isn't fair to her. I suppose we could just not go, but it's also a possible once in a lifetime trip. See...here I go trying to justify it.

Anyway, I know this might seem like it's sort of all over the place. I should have mapped this out better.
All I want to communicate is that guilt is bullcrap. Do you what you need to do to help your family thrive, and don't worry about it. If that means taking a kid free vacation (I'm talking to myself), or if it means closing the door while your baby blows off some steam at nap time, don't worry about it.

Have you sworn off mom guilt, or are you constantly feeling it creep up?

A Big High Five For The SAHM

I took most of last week off from work. I was really looking forward to living a normal daily life with Charlotte, enjoying some beautiful weather at the family cottage, and not having to rush off to work and leave my sweet little angel baby.
O.M.GOOOOOODNESS. What an s-ton of work it ended up being.
I should at least mention that it wasn't exactly "normal daily life" since we were staying overnight in a new place most of the week.
I should also mention that Charlotte was fighting off her first cold?/allergies?/teething?/big time snotty nose.
So with that being said, I was completely exhausted and I was fighting off the guilt I had for wanting to go back to work on Monday.
When Charlotte had her 6 month drs. appointment a few weeks ago, I mentioned that she was a big time grunter. Her ped suggested that she's probably just very bored since she's not mobile yet and she's also frustrated by this. I do not necessarily want a crawler, but good gravy, this kid sounds like a wildebeest.




So basically, she makes this sound all. day. long. She does it when she's happy, she does it when she's ticked.
Once and a while she'll make her sweet little girl cooing sounds, but in general, she grunts.
Not only is she loud, but she's not as content to play alone. This makes getting anything done very difficult. She does enjoy a drive in the car, a ride in her stroller, and sitting up in the shopping cart at Target. That isn't helpful when I have 5 loads of laundry and floors to clean. Oh, and on top of that? She decided that she's not going to nap more than 45 minutes. 
I do think that SAHMs are sometimes thought to have it "easy". I mean, how busy can you actually be? Kheee heeee. But hear this, haters: it is tough ass work!
I'm not saying that any postion is more difficult than the other, because they all come with their own challenges. I've had my moments where I feel that I would be the best stay at home mom OF ALL TIME, but then? one week with my own child and I couldn't even handle it!! What is wrong with me?

Anyway, all I am really trying to get at is that you moms rock!! I hope you have someone who tells you that on a regular basis, and if you don't, pretend that Charlotte's grunts mean "You're the best!!"

WOH, mom!

Well, it's official. I'm now a WOH mom. Unfortunately, it's not some endearing term for being a hot mom, or even a term that teenage boys use to refer to their friend's mom. (I suppose that's ok.) I'm a Work Outside of Home Mom.
This new title was given to me on Monday, and so far, it's not awful. I got dressed (like, in an outfit with layers) and I even accessorized a little! My mom came to my home to watch Charlotte, and I begged her to stay until my lunch so I could run home and feed her (probably more comforting to me than to her). The plan is for my mom to pick her up from my house, and then take her to her house for the day. Well, apparently C refused to take a bottle. She's taken one before without any problem, she just turned into a milk diva suddenly and a bottle wasn't going to be good enough. That makes going back to work very difficult, knowing that my baby is spazzing out and starving herself. (That might be a dramatic description.)
We'll work on it. She wouldn't take a bottle yesterday from my mother in law either. She had no problem drinking from one given by me and by my husband, and she even took one (with hesitation) from my friend Katie while I was present and talking to her.
I might have the grandmas wear a scarf of mine or something so she can smell me, or show her a picture...hahha, I have NO idea if that would work. But I'm willing to try just about anything, because mama's gotta work (right?)
I will add that Charlotte is SO into me when I get home though. She's so so sweet and snuggly. I grow to love her so much more every day.
So today is my day off...I'm getting my hair done! I am SO excited to try something new, and hopefully it turns out. I'm getting on the Ombre train and I shall have super model hair by noon today.
I also am trying out a new sunless tan and I'll give you the report soon! We're going out for a nice dinner this evening with the family and I'm really looking forward to this little makeover before hand. :) I hope whatever I get done today will distract from the awful stye I have on my eyelid. Ack! Have you ever had one? It's miserable! You can barely see this little boil thing, but it caused my bottom lid to get puffy (just what I need!) and red and it's super painful. Gotta get rid of that asap.
Alright, on with the day!
Have a great week, friends!

a photo of Charlotte in her new hat. It might have to wait a year.